Let’s Talk About Sex
Wonderful, terrible, mind-blowing, lack-luster, never-get-around-to-it, no drive for it, super high drive for it… so much can go right and so much can go wrong when it comes to sex with our partners.
One thing is true no matter our situation, it can’t improve if we aren’t willing to talk about it.
Oftentimes with clients, it’s the things that are unsaid, unclear, or unaccepted by partners that lead to frustration, disconnect, and a feeling of incompatibility between partners in their sex lives. Working with a couples therapist or a sex therapist can be an awesome place to start when it comes to addressing longstanding issues with your sex life, though this isn’t always an option for everyone.
Since many of us will never sit with a therapist and talk about sex for a variety of valid reasons, I want to list some of the important questions I discuss with clients when it comes to their sex lives.
Here are some things to reflect on individually or with your partner(s) that might impact the way you experience sex:
How comfortable am I talking about sex?
What does talking about sex look like for you? Is it something you shy away from, is it hard to use direct language around sexual acts and desires? Is it something you feel embarrassed or even “unallowed” to talk about with others? This is the case for many of us! There’s no need to beat yourself up over your struggles to talk about sex candidly, but it’s worth considering why you might struggle and practice pushing yourself to have more conversations about sex with safe people in your life if so.
What were my earliest experiences talking about or being exposed to sex as a concept or act?
This can be as simple as thinking about who taught you about sex. In what context did you learn about sex? Many of us first learn from our peers, school courses, media, or our caregivers. It could also be as complex as not having access to memories of these earliest exposures and experiences, or experiencing traumatic memories or physical sensations when recalling these experiences… if this is the case I want to encourage you to seek the support of a trustworthy caregiver or therapist near you as you process some of these deeply impactful experiences.
What beliefs do I have about what sex ‘should’ be like or look like?
It can be helpful to take a look at what beliefs we hold intentionally or unintentionally as a result of our society, family culture, and environment, about what sex ‘should’ look like and be like. Who is ‘allowed’ to be involved in sex? Who is ‘supposed’ to be in the position of power in sex (who is ‘allowed’ to initiate sex and who is ‘allowed’ or expected to lead in sexual encounters)? What ‘counts’ as sex when it comes to sexual acts? What is ‘successful sex’? All of these beliefs could be shaped by media exposure, pornography’s portrayal of sex and power dynamics, your family culture, your religious or spiritual beliefs, societal norms, your experiences and true desires, the list is endless. Assessing some of those beliefs and sorting out which ones feel true to what you want out of sex and which ones feel like values you do not or no longer align with, will be detrimental in helping you understand what you desire and expect out of sex.
Do I know what I desire and enjoy when it comes to sex?
Spending some time looking at the implicit and intentional beliefs and values you hold around sex might open up some space for you to consider what you actually desire and enjoy when it comes to sex. Hopefully, you begin to experience less shame around your sexual values, experiences, and desires as you begin to process some of these earlier questions. Give yourself permission to evolve and change in this realm as well! Sex is an ever-evolving, ever-changing aspect of our lives for those of us who desire it and choose to engage in it. Taking time regularly to think about what you enjoy sensationally, what you fantasize about, or what you are curious about trying will empower you to own your sexuality with confidence and communicate what you hope for with your sexual partner(s).
Do I feel safe talking to my partner(s) about sex?
There might be some real intuition involved in your answer to this question! The last thing I want to do is encourage someone to engage in conversations with a partner that they know through experience to be unsafe. If you don’t feel safe talking to your partner(s) about sex… trust that intuition! Bring another safe trusted adult into the conversation, either separately from your partner or together with them. Individual or couples therapy can be a great place to start working through these things when they affect your relationship but you don’t feel safe to discuss them on your own. Remember that your therapist should be a fit for YOU! You are allowed to interview and “fire” therapists who make you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or just don’t feel like they fit with you and what you are looking for.
Always practice sex safely and consensually!
Let me know in the comments if these questions have helped you or your partner(s) when it comes to conversations around sex. :)
Kindly,
Monica Zard | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist